elnadim-satire

 📰 Satirical Title: “The Great Shiblanja Expansion: When Rural Diplomacy Meets Global Conspiracy” English Translation Breaking News / The Mayor of Menyet El-Sebaa (Qalyubia Governorate) has called for an urgent “Qalyubia Summit” bringing together the villages of Toukh, Qalyub, Banha, El-Qanater, El-Khanka, and Shibin El-Qanater in an emergency meeting to discuss revelations contained in the so-called “Epstein leaks.” The leaks allegedly include dangerous correspondence between Hajj Abdel Shakour Abdel Dayem, Mayor of Shiblanja (Qalyubia), and former U.S. presidents, the Director of the CIA, leading figures from international political, financial, economic, and media elites, as well as influential members of both the U.S. Congress and House of Representatives in Washington’s upper circles of power. According to the reports, Hajj Abdel Shakour has been pursuing a strategic plan to establish “Greater Shiblanja,” extending from Al-Basousiya Canal in the north to Al-Sharqawiya Canal in...

 📰 Title: “Legalizing the Loot: A Counter-Bill to Protect National Integrity” English Translation Mr. Atrees Abu El-Dahab, leader of the parliamentary majority, confirmed the government’s rejection of the “Transparency of Corruption” bill submitted by independent MP Awad El-Howeit for parliamentary debate and approval. Abu El-Dahab argued that the proposed law would tarnish Egypt’s pristine image of governmental integrity and its honorable record of upright officials—past and present—under the leadership of President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. He added that El-Howeit’s proposal would be ineffective due to its lengthy, gradual implementation phases, which could risk collapse should the current “golden era” change and the state’s firm grip weaken in enforcing it. This concern is especially pressing, he noted, given that corrupt actors possess vast experience in manipulating laws and exploiting loopholes through networks allegedly entrenched for more than seventy years. Abu El-Dahab furth...

 "MP Proposes Phased Elimination of Corruption: 25% for Officials, 75% for the People" A Satirical Text by Al-Nadim Al-Raqmi (The Digital Nadim) --- MP Ragab Al-Huwait announced his reservations regarding the widespread popular campaign circulating on social media calling for the gradual elimination of corruption entrenched in all supreme sovereign and governmental agencies—starting from the highest responsible official down to the smallest informant and everyone in between. The campaign calls for phased transparency and purification from corruption over gradual temporal stages rather than all at once, in consideration of human nature and the human soul, which is predisposed to evil, greed, selfishness, and the love of monopolization and accumulation. The campaign's objectives can be summarized as working to legalize the percentage of theft, bribes, and embezzlement belonging to esteemed senior officials—starting with the President, ministers, and senior employees—so that...

📰 Title: “Top Secret: Restructuring the Average Lifespan” — Bureaucracy Meets Dark Satire English Translation Highly Confidential / Strict High-Level Directives The newly formed ministry has received strict high-level instructions to work on “restructuring” the average lifespan of Egyptians and readjusting it to levels comparable to the early twentieth century. This measure is said to align with recent amendments to the new pension law, which raises the retirement age to 65. The decision follows what officials describe as an unprecedented rise in the age of pensioners, with many now exceeding seventy or even eighty years. This development, according to the memo, imposes enormous burdens on the state budget through the continued payment of monthly pensions, subsidized food rations, free healthcare services, and state-funded medication. It has therefore been decided to form a supreme committee to eliminate this “dangerous phenomenon,” which has reportedly become a chronic headache for t...