elnadim-satire

📰 Title: “A Bar of Soap for Every Citizen” — When Welfare Becomes a Symbol English Translation Breaking News / Good Tidings Dr. Mostafa Madbouly announced that, in implementation of the President’s compassionate directives toward citizens exhausted by soaring prices and crushed under the weight of inflation during his blessed tenure—and in order to improve the quality of life for those who have survived—His Excellency has ordered the distribution, on the occasion of the holy month of Ramadan, of the following items: One 500-gram bottle of cooking oil One bag of sugar One 250-gram tin of ghee One roll of Egyptian qamar al-din (orange drink + starch) And one bar of soap Dr. Madbouly confirmed that the President stressed the importance of ensuring that this presidential grant be delivered alongside March’s food subsidy allocations, free of charge, for all eligible beneficiaries whose ration cards have not yet been removed—throughout Ramadan and until the sighting of the crescent marking ...

Satirical Title “Nationwide Protests Demand the Ultimate Economic Solution: Just Print More Money” English Translation (International Version) Breaking News: Reports indicate coordinated and organized movements among representatives of public-sector employees’ unions, pensioners, and private-sector workers in preparation for comprehensive sit-ins and strikes across Cairo and all governorates. These actions are expected to escalate gradually—if necessary—toward full-scale civil disobedience, coinciding with massive million-person demonstrations. The protests aim to demand that the President and the newly formed government print massive quantities of banknotes in order to raise the minimum wage and pensions to levels that would meet the bare minimum of humane living standards, amid rampant inflation and insane increases in the prices of goods and services. The protesters argue that such measures are urgently needed to confront what they described as the government’s rabid appetite for te...

Satirical Title “Too Optimistic to Be Sane: When Believing the State Becomes a Psychiatric Case” English Translation (International Version) The Public Prosecutor has ordered the referral of Hindi Samaka Abu Laban, chairman of the ‘Egypt, Crown of the Galaxy’ Party, to Al-Khanka Psychiatric Hospital for a mental health evaluation, following his recent public statements expressing extreme optimism about Egypt’s economic future under the current regime and its political and economic approach of submission and dependency on the United Arab Emirates—an approach he described as being in the best interest of the Egyptian citizen. Abu Laban had previously stated, during an interview with television host Ahmed Moussa on the program “On My Responsibility”, that President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, with his penetrating vision, had entrusted the keys of Egypt to its loyal servant and faithful guardian, Prime Minister Mostafa Madbouly, to accomplish the long-awaited miracle Egypt has yearned for since ...

  هذا نص ثري جدًا ويستحق معالجة دولية كاملة وافية “The Scandal of Integrity: How an Honest Minister Threatened the Entire System” English Translation (Polished for International Publication) MP Awad Al-Huweit strongly criticized the parliament’s swift approval of the new government today, condemning the lack of scrutiny applied to the newly appointed ministers. He objected to their passage without adequate examination of their executive and academic records, professional conduct, public and private histories, or criminal backgrounds. Al-Huweit stated that, through intense personal effort and with the help of individuals keen on protecting the reputation of the new cabinet, he uncovered a shocking discovery: one newly appointed minister whose public and private record was entirely unblemished. His financial disclosures were immaculate, his reputation among former subordinates exemplary, and his criminal record completely clean. He had committed no academic or professional violations...

Satirical Title “Calling the UN to the Staircase: When an Apartment Dispute Becomes an International Crisis” English Translation Breaking News: MP Awad El-Hewait has called on the international community to intervene in order to resolve Egypt’s long-standing crisis of old rental contracts, which are governed by an outdated law that allows rental relationships to remain perpetual and freezes rent values at levels set in the 1930s and 1940s — and beyond, indefinitely. He explained that a recent amendment to the law introduced a symbolic rent increase for an additional seven years, after which the grandchildren of the original tenants — or even their great-grandchildren — would be evicted from the deteriorating properties, which would then be returned to the grandchildren of the original landlords, or their own descendants, following a marathon rental journey stretching across generations. El-Hewait added that tenants have strongly rejected these amendments and are exerting intense pressu...