elnadim-satire

 Comprehensive Analysis: "The Governor and the Undersecretary Threaten Israel – The World Holds an Emergency Summit" --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Egypt's Village-Level Officials Declare War on Israel – Trump Convenes the National Security Council Over a Hospital Inspection" * --- Full English Translation URGENT / Mr. Governor Abdo Fath Al-Bab, Governor of the New Valley, has threatened Israel, stating that Egypt will not stand with arms crossed if a single Palestinian is displaced to Sinai, and that the Rafah/Taba line is a red line that will not be allowed to be crossed under any circumstance. At the same time, Dr. Ali Gad, Undersecretary of the Ministry of Health and Population in Giza Governorate, while inspecting Al-Saff Central Hospital, vowed to Benjamin Netanyahu and the group of right-wing extremists in his ministry that the Egyptian army will be lying in wait for any Israeli aggressive schemes targeting Egyptian national security, an...

 Comprehensive Analysis: "Shablanga's Pottery Industry – When the Village Enters the WTO" --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Shablanga Exports Clay Pots to the World – And Applies to Join the WTO and BRICS" * --- Full English Translation The delegation of the Egyptian Industries Federation, after its visit to the new Qanawi Pottery and Water Jar Production Complex, built in the industrial zone of Shablanga, praised the major qualitative development reached by this industry – which will become one of the pillars of the Egyptian economy in the coming period. The delegation warned of fierce competition from the Chinese product of pots and jars that is currently invading the world, despite its non-compliance with Shablanga standard specifications in terms of shape, materials used, manufacturing quality standards, and warranty period. The delegation affirmed that the authentic Shablanga product is environmentally friendly, healthy, and energy-saving – a...

 Comprehensive Analysis: "Egypt 2050 – The Republic of the Dead: When Cemeteries Become Investment Opportunities" --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Egypt to Seize All Cemeteries – 'The Living Are More Important Than the Dead' Says Presidential Decree" * --- Full English Translation President El-Sisi has issued a republican decree confiscating all cemetery lands spread across Egypt, considering them an unexploited national treasure that must be invested for the benefit of the living. The decree states that cemeteries are located in vital and commercial areas at the entrances and exits of villages and cities, occupying vast areas without economic benefit. The decree states that "the living are more important than the dead," and that it is enough for the dead to have lived their lives above ground. It adds that our fathers and grandfathers should not compete with their children and grandchildren for the land they live on – especially as...

 Comprehensive Analysis: "The White House Restructures Arab Leaders – The Human Resources Department of the Middle East" --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Trump to Reshuffle Arab Kings and Presidents – Performance Reviews, Open Cheques, and Retirement Packages" * --- Full English Translation TOP SECRET / US President Donald Trump is expected to soon carry out a limited reshuffle and promotions movement, including changing a number of Arab heads of state and kings, and referring some of them to retirement. Press information indicates disagreements between the White House and the CIA regarding some of the new or dismissed candidates, while the US State Department believes the expanded reshuffle should be postponed until after the political, military, and economic crises sweeping the region come to an end. High-ranking diplomatic sources in Washington have learned that the Committee for Arab Rulers' Affairs, affiliated with the White House Human Reso...

 Here is the full English translation followed by a comprehensive analysis for the international reader. --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Egypt's Fire Forecast: The Interior Ministry Now Predicts Blazes Like the Weather – Yellow, Orange, Red, and Black Alerts" * --- Full English Translation In a serious step towards organising the wave of fires sweeping Egypt these days, and for the sake of coordination between the various fire brigades, civil defence, and emergency services – and in order to preserve the lives and safety of citizens and maintain traffic flow – the Ministry of Interior has announced that it will issue a detailed daily security bulletin forecasting the major fires expected to break out during the next twenty-four hours across the country. The bulletin will also include a guidance table that pre-determines the expected fires during the day and night, their locations in all governorates, and their approximate timings – in order to be prepared...

 Here is the full English translation followed by a comprehensive analysis for the international reader. --- Sarcastic Headline (for your English Blog) *"Egypt's New Military Doctrine: 'Operation Rabbit Jump' – Training to Retreat Faster, and 'Stray Whale' – Hunting Sharks in the Canal" * --- Full English Translation The Second and Third Field Armies will begin, after the end of the upcoming October War celebrations, major joint training manoeuvres in Sinai under the name "Rabbit Jump" – to train on a plan for rapid, systematic withdrawal in the shortest possible time, and rapid jumping and running, while achieving the minimum of human losses and attempting to preserve the largest possible amount of weapons and ammunition, or destroying their warehouses if they cannot be withdrawn. The training also includes how to evacuate the martyrs and wounded with the highest degree of efficiency and professionalism, and to transport them safely to the weste...