elnadim-satire

 "MP Proposes Phased Elimination of Corruption: 25% for Officials, 75% for the People" A Satirical Text by Al-Nadim Al-Raqmi (The Digital Nadim) --- MP Ragab Al-Huwait announced his reservations regarding the widespread popular campaign circulating on social media calling for the gradual elimination of corruption entrenched in all supreme sovereign and governmental agencies—starting from the highest responsible official down to the smallest informant and everyone in between. The campaign calls for phased transparency and purification from corruption over gradual temporal stages rather than all at once, in consideration of human nature and the human soul, which is predisposed to evil, greed, selfishness, and the love of monopolization and accumulation. The campaign's objectives can be summarized as working to legalize the percentage of theft, bribes, and embezzlement belonging to esteemed senior officials—starting with the President, ministers, and senior employees—so that...

📰 Title: “Top Secret: Restructuring the Average Lifespan” — Bureaucracy Meets Dark Satire English Translation Highly Confidential / Strict High-Level Directives The newly formed ministry has received strict high-level instructions to work on “restructuring” the average lifespan of Egyptians and readjusting it to levels comparable to the early twentieth century. This measure is said to align with recent amendments to the new pension law, which raises the retirement age to 65. The decision follows what officials describe as an unprecedented rise in the age of pensioners, with many now exceeding seventy or even eighty years. This development, according to the memo, imposes enormous burdens on the state budget through the continued payment of monthly pensions, subsidized food rations, free healthcare services, and state-funded medication. It has therefore been decided to form a supreme committee to eliminate this “dangerous phenomenon,” which has reportedly become a chronic headache for t...

📰 Title: “A Bar of Soap for Every Citizen” — When Welfare Becomes a Symbol English Translation Breaking News / Good Tidings Dr. Mostafa Madbouly announced that, in implementation of the President’s compassionate directives toward citizens exhausted by soaring prices and crushed under the weight of inflation during his blessed tenure—and in order to improve the quality of life for those who have survived—His Excellency has ordered the distribution, on the occasion of the holy month of Ramadan, of the following items: One 500-gram bottle of cooking oil One bag of sugar One 250-gram tin of ghee One roll of Egyptian qamar al-din (orange drink + starch) And one bar of soap Dr. Madbouly confirmed that the President stressed the importance of ensuring that this presidential grant be delivered alongside March’s food subsidy allocations, free of charge, for all eligible beneficiaries whose ration cards have not yet been removed—throughout Ramadan and until the sighting of the crescent marking ...

Satirical Title “Nationwide Protests Demand the Ultimate Economic Solution: Just Print More Money” English Translation (International Version) Breaking News: Reports indicate coordinated and organized movements among representatives of public-sector employees’ unions, pensioners, and private-sector workers in preparation for comprehensive sit-ins and strikes across Cairo and all governorates. These actions are expected to escalate gradually—if necessary—toward full-scale civil disobedience, coinciding with massive million-person demonstrations. The protests aim to demand that the President and the newly formed government print massive quantities of banknotes in order to raise the minimum wage and pensions to levels that would meet the bare minimum of humane living standards, amid rampant inflation and insane increases in the prices of goods and services. The protesters argue that such measures are urgently needed to confront what they described as the government’s rabid appetite for te...