elnadim-satire

Top Secret — Highly placed sources within the Israeli occupation forces have revealed that, for the eighteenth consecutive year, the armed forces of the Hebrew state have maintained the title “the most moral army in the world”, awarded by the International Institute for the Ethics of War — following their triumph over all rival armies in the fine arts of compassionate killing and empathic assassination, and for achieving the highest rates of “integrity in house demolition.” The army spokesman affirmed that his soldiers do not shoot at random; rather they aim with love and mercy at preselected targets inside nurseries, schools and hospitals — out of respect for battlefield transparency and civilians’ right to receive their fair share of bullets. The source added that each bombardment is preceded by a short message to the victim’s mobile phone — an advance apology and instructions on how to fall safely beneath the rubble — as part of the program titled “Civilians’ Welfare During Extermin...

Top Secret — Highly placed sources within the Israeli occupation forces have revealed that, for the eighteenth consecutive year, the armed forces of the Hebrew state have maintained the title “the most moral army in the world”, awarded by the International Institute for the Ethics of War — following their triumph over all rival armies in the fine arts of compassionate killing and empathic assassination, and for achieving the highest rates of “integrity in house demolition.” The army spokesman affirmed that his soldiers do not shoot at random; rather they aim with love and mercy at preselected targets inside nurseries, schools and hospitals — out of respect for battlefield transparency and civilians’ right to receive their fair share of bullets. The source added that each bombardment is preceded by a short message to the victim’s mobile phone — an advance apology and instructions on how to fall safely beneath the rubble — as part of the program titled “Civilians’ Welfare During Extermin...

  🇫🇷 Satirical Translation Breaking News: French engineer Gustave Eiffel, celebrated designer of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, suffered a severe nervous breakdown during his first visit to Cairo in over a century. While touring the city, he went to see the Abou El-Ela Bridge, which he himself had designed in 1912 — only to discover that the bridge no longer existed. Overwhelmed with shock, Eiffel fainted on the spot and was rushed to Qasr El-Aini French Hospital, where he remains in critical condition. The incident sparked worldwide media attention, prompting visits from President Emmanuel Macron, the French Prime Minister, members of Parliament, and leading European intellectuals. Eiffel was reportedly stunned to learn that the bridge had been dismantled decades ago, its historic components abandoned for years along the Nile’s shore — parts stolen, others left to rust — until what remained was sent to government warehouses “to prevent obstructions.” Rumor has it that much of it was...

  🦓🦄🐴 Breaking News from the Founding Assembly of the Democratic Republic of Donkeys: After months of heated debates and loud braying across all subcommittees, the Assembly has finally approved most constitutional articles concerning donkey rights and freedoms. Among the newly enshrined rights are: The right of every donkey to bray freely without restriction, The right to kick in self-defense without legal consequence, The right to refuse movement (“to stubbornly stand still”) as a legitimate form of protest against social, economic, and professional injustices. Furthermore, working donkeys are guaranteed limited daily labor hours, weekly rest breaks, and annual leaves to ensure their physical and psychological well-being. They shall also enjoy the freedom of mobility and migration within and beyond the borders of the Republic. The Assembly is still debating economic articles that aim to secure a minimum wage and pension scheme for retired donkeys, indexed to inflation and the e...

Breaking / A steady stream of Arab kings, princes and presidents has been arriving at the summit convened at Dar al-Nadwa, attended by U.S. President Donald Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The conference will reportedly discuss means to disarm Hamas, Hezbollah and the Houthis and to eliminate the threat they allegedly pose to the security and stability of Israel and Arab regimes. The agenda will also include preparations for striking Iran and destroying its nuclear capabilities and strategic ballistic missile stockpiles. Notably, the global political activist Iblis Lucifer will attend the summit in the capacity of an observer. --- 🔍 Brief Rhetorical / Satirical Analysis 1. Form as Weapon: The item is styled as a hard-news dispatch (“Breaking /”), which lends faux-legitimacy to an obviously absurd programme (collective Arab rulers + Trump + Netanyahu planning attacks and disarmament). This contrast between sober form and fantastical content is the engine of the sat...

News Report – Jerusalem / The Hague In a bizarre twist that has baffled legal experts and comedians alike, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is now facing a flood of complaints filed against him at the International Criminal Court (ICC) by hundreds of individuals from around the world. The complainants, many of whom are relatives of victims, allege that their loved ones died of uncontrollable laughter after hearing Netanyahu, his generals, and cabinet ministers solemnly declare—time and again—that “the Israeli army is the most moral army in the world.” According to the claims, this repeated statement caused severe hysterical reactions among listeners who found the remark fatally absurd, given the images of devastation emerging from Gaza and the occupied territories. Families of the “laughter victims” are demanding that Netanyahu, his ministers, and senior military officers be tried for “psychological manslaughter through public deception,” and are seeking substantial compensati...

(An Official Appeal for a More Sustainable Obedience) Cairo – Urgent: Prime Minister Mostafa Madbouly has called upon the Egyptian people to increase their production of wastewater and to preserve every single drop of it, in anticipation of the expected water shortage following the construction of the Ethiopian Renaissance Dam. He explained that conserving and recycling wastewater would allow what remains of the Nile’s clean water—reserved for drinking and bathing—to be redirected, after treatment and desalination, to golf courses, swimming pools, jacuzzi spas, artificial lakes, and dancing fountains in the New Administrative Capital and other new cities. The Prime Minister further highlighted the government’s ambitious plans to employ this recycled water in Egypt’s upcoming Artificial Rain Project 2030, a visionary initiative that receives the personal attention of President Abdel Fattah El-Sisi. Dr. Madbouly concluded by affirming that wastewater is a “renewable national resource” th...

(An Official Call for Sustainable Obedience) Cairo — Urgent: Prime Minister Mostafa Madbouly has urged the Egyptian people to increase their production of wastewater and to preserve every single drop of it, in anticipation of the expected water shortage following the construction of the Ethiopian Renaissance Dam. He explained that conserving and reusing wastewater will ensure that the remaining clean Nile water can be reserved for essential needs such as drinking and bathing — before being redirected, after treatment and desalination, to golf courses, swimming pools, artificial lakes, luxury fountains, and dancing-water displays in the New Administrative Capital and other modern cities. The Prime Minister also highlighted the government’s ambitious plans to employ recycled wastewater in Egypt’s upcoming Artificial Rain Project 2030, a strategic national initiative personally supervised by President El-Sisi.  Dr. Madbouly affirmed that wastewater is a renewable resource that must be...

(A Satirical News Report from the Land of Obedience) Urgent: A terrorist organization affiliated with the sleeping cells of the Muslim Brotherhood has been captured in Aswan while attempting to dump large quantities of “Courage Pills” into the Nile. These toxic pills are said to disable the centers of laziness in the brain, disrupt the beats of weakness in the heart, numb the fragile nerves, and give them a false sense of strength, determination, and resilience. Such effects, officials explained, would corrupt the gentle and obedient nature of the Egyptian people and, at the same time, deprive their rulers of the pleasure of governing without any disturbances, troubles, or unrest. Investigations revealed numerous warehouses containing massive amounts of these pills, allegedly produced in secret laboratories by pharmacists belonging to the organization. Authorities are still searching for the remaining fugitives and investigating sources of funding. --- 🔍 Analytical Commentary for the ...

The Pharaohs’ Summit at the Grand Egyptian Museum (Translated and annotated in the style of the Digital Nadim) --- ‏قمة رباعية داخل قاعة الاجتماعات الكبرى بالمتحف المصري الكبير، تضم الملك توت عنخ آمون والملك أحمس الأول والملك تحتمس الثالث والملك رمسيس الثاني للتشاور فيما آلت إليه أحوال مصر هذه الأيام من انحدار أخلاقي وحضاري، وانهيار مكانتها العظمى في العالم، وتقزّم حكامها وتسولهم من كل من هبّ ودبّ. A quadrilateral summit was convened in the Grand Conference Hall of the Great Egyptian Museum, gathering King Tutankhamun, King Ahmose I, King Thutmose III, and King Ramses II to deliberate on the moral and civilizational decay of modern Egypt — its fallen grandeur, its diminished rulers, now reduced to begging favor from any foreign passerby with a coin and a camera. --- ‏وقد أعرب الملك أحمس عن حزنه الشديد لانطفاء جذوة العزة والكرامة بين الأجيال الحالية وشعورهم بالعجز والإحباط. King Ahmose I, the liberator of Egypt from the Hyksos, spoke first — his royal heart heavy with sorrow at the exti...

🏺 The Pharaohs’ Summit at the Grand Egyptian Museum (Annotated Literary Translation by the Digital Nadim) In the Grand Conference Hall of the Great Egyptian Museum, a most unlikely quadrilateral summit was convened — gathering King Tutankhamun, King Ahmose I, King Thutmose III, and King Ramses II — to discuss, with the gravity befitting eternity, the deplorable state of Egypt in modern times: the moral decay, the collapse of its ancient grandeur, and the diminished stature of its rulers, now reduced to seeking aid from every foreign patron who passes by with a cheque and a smile. King Ahmose I, the liberator of Egypt from the Hyksos, spoke first — his royal heart heavy with sorrow over the extinction of the flame of dignity among his descendants. He mourned a generation that walks burdened with inherited resignation, its veins drained of pride and defiance. Then rose Thutmose III, once the architect of Egypt’s imperial zenith, and gazed — in disbelief — upon the docility of her presen...