How to Become a Member of Parliament in 2025: A Practical Guide for the Corrupt and the Crafty

“How to Become a Member of Parliament in 2025: A Practical Guide for the Corrupt and the Crafty.”
The world’s first official manual for manufacturing loyal legislators.

The Supreme Election Committee has announced the official requirements for candidacy in the 2025 Parliamentary Elections:

1. Mastery of the ancient art of “playing both sides” (literally, juggling “the egg and the stone”).
2. A talent for cunning, deceit, and sweet talk generously glazed with butter.
3. Payment of mandatory fees: a candidacy bribe, a “vacancy clearance” fee for the seat, and a “sweetener fee” upon winning and receiving the parliamentary chair.
4. The ability to raise both hands automatically in approval of any decision whatsoever.

Required Documents:
– A copy of the national ID card
– Six personal photos (front and back)
– A “Bad Conduct Certificate” from three security agencies
– A certificate of expertise in political, populist, and media-level sycophancy
– A written pledge of absolute loyalty to the regime and a signed “No Thinking, No Objecting” form
– A letter from former colleagues confirming poor reputation and lack of conscience

Privileges granted to Members:
– Total immunity from any criminal or moral accountability
– Priority access to government tenders, auctions, and land seizures
– A permanent pass through checkpoints, roadblocks, and airports with no inspection
– Full freedom to conduct private business throughout the parliamentary term with zero oversight
– Unlimited allowances for sessions, travel, and “miscellaneous expenses”

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🔸 التحليل المتعمّق للقارئ الدولي — The Satirical Architecture

هذا النص أحد أقوى نماذجك في السخرية من بنية التمثيل السياسي، ويصلح مباشرة للنشر في سياقات تحليل الاستبداد، الشعبوية، والفساد البنيوي.

فيما يلي التحليل بصياغة مناسبة للنشر الأكاديمي الدولي:

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1. What the Text Is Really Mocking

The piece is a frontal assault on the performative nature of elections in authoritarian or semi-authoritarian systems. It treats parliamentary candidacy not as a democratic process but as:

• a marketplace for loyalty,
• a theater of obedience,
• and a legalized system of rent-seeking.

The satire exposes the gap between the formal democratic façade and the informal mechanisms that actually govern political access.

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2. The “Requirements” as a Mirror of the Political System

Each qualification is a symbolic critique:

• “Playing the egg and the stone” → strategic duplicity required for survival.
• “Cunning and buttered sweet talk” → clientelism and populist manipulation.
• Bribes renamed as official fees → corruption normalized and bureaucratized.
• Automatic hand-raising → a parliament that is not a legislative body but a ritual of compliance.

This transforms the candidate into a hollow vessel of obedience, not a representative of citizens.

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3. Required Documents: Bureaucratized Obedience

The text parodies modern state documentation by replacing:

• “Good Conduct Certificates” with “Bad Conduct Certificates.”
• “Oaths of office” with “Pledges of total submission.”

It exposes how authoritarian states invert democratic norms:

• corruption is qualification,
• integrity is disqualification.

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4. Privileges: What Power Really Means

The privileges listed show the true incentives of parliament:

• Complete legal immunity → parliament becomes a sanctuary for the corrupt.
• First claim to state resources → parliament as a marketplace for patronage.
• Freedom from security scrutiny → symbolic elevation above the populace.
• Business opportunities guaranteed → the seat is capital, not responsibility.

This is a key element of “state capture by loyalty networks.”

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5. Style & Technique: Why the Satire Works

• Hyper-literal descriptions of corruption produce absurdity.
• Administrative tone creates a comedic contrast with immoral content.
• Enumerated lists mimic official decrees, turning the state into a self-parody.

The piece resembles Jonathan Swift’s administrative satire and echoes Orwell’s critique of bureaucratic authoritarianism.

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🔸 فقرة جاهزة للإدراج في بحثك الأكاديمي

This satirical text functions as an exposé of the structural corruption embedded within authoritarian electoral politics. By listing candidacy qualifications and parliamentary privileges in the language of official decrees, the piece transforms political malpractice into bureaucratic normality. The humor emerges from the stark mismatch between the democratic form and its authoritarian substance—producing a “documentary parody” that reveals the hollow nature of legislative institutions under regimes that weaponize elections as instruments of loyalty rather than representation.

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Of course. This text is a sharp piece of political satire targeting the Egyptian parliamentary election process and the perceived character of its members. Here is the translation and analysis prepared for international publication.

🎭 Satirical Title for International Publication

"Egypt's 2025 Parliament: New Guidelines Seek Candidates Skilled in Duplicity, Bribery, and Automatic Obedience"

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📜 Translation for International Publication

The Supreme Electoral Commission has announced the conditions for candidacy in the 2025 Parliamentary elections:

1. The candidate must be adept at the game of "egg and stone" (deception and double-dealing).

2. Cunning, maliciousness, and speech that is sweet and "buttered up."

3. Payment of a bribe for candidacy, vacating the seat for the man, and the sweetness of success after taking the seat.

4. Automatically raising hands and standing to approve anything.

Required Documents:

· Copy of National ID card.

· 6 personal photographs with two faces.

· Certificate of bad conduct from 3 security agencies.

· Certificate of experience in political, populist, and media hypocrisy.

· A written pledge of absolute loyalty to the regime and signing a form of subservience and non-thinking/non-objection.

· A certificate from old colleagues attesting to a bad reputation and lack of conscience.

Privileges Granted to Members:

· Absolute immunity against any criminal or ethical accountability.

· Priority in winning government tenders and auctions, and seizing state lands.

· A permanent pass through security checkpoints, barriers, and airports without inspection.

· The right to practice private business throughout the membership period without oversight or accountability.

· Random and excessive session and travel allowances.

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🔍 Analysis and Explanation for the Foreign Reader

This text is a masterclass in political satire, using the format of an official announcement to deliver a devastating critique of the political system. The humor is dark and the criticism is direct, reflecting deep public cynicism.

1. Satire of Political Corruption and Moral Bankruptcy:

· The "conditions" for candidacy are a list of negative traits presented as job requirements. "Adept at the game of 'egg and stone'" is a classic Arabic proverb for deceit and trickery. Requiring "cunning, maliciousness" and a "certificate of experience in hypocrisy" satirically argues that success in politics is not based on integrity or competence, but on moral flexibility and duplicity.

2. Critique of a Subservient Parliament:

· The requirement for "automatically raising hands... to approve anything" is a direct jab at rubber-stamp legislatures that lack genuine oversight or independent thought. This critiques the lack of a meaningful opposition or democratic debate.

3. The Bureaucracy of Corruption:

· The "Required Documents" section is a brilliant satirical device. It formalizes corruption and vice, treating them as official prerequisites. Needing a "certificate of bad conduct" and a "pledge of absolute loyalty... and non-thinking" absurdly suggests that the system is not just tolerating these flaws, but actively selecting for them.

4. The "Privileges" as a List of Abuses:

· The "privileges" granted are, in reality, a list of anticipated abuses of power. "Absolute immunity" and the "right to practice private business... without oversight" satirize the impunity and corruption often associated with political elites. The "permanent pass without inspection" suggests they are above the law that applies to ordinary citizens.

In summary for the foreign reader: This is not a real announcement. It is a powerful work of political commentary that argues the Egyptian parliamentary system is fundamentally corrupt, selecting for sycophantic and unethical individuals and rewarding them with impunity and opportunities for personal enrichment at the state's expense. It reflects a profound public belief that the political process is a hollow performance designed to consolidate power and privilege, not to represent the people.