“The Official Gazette of Absurdity: A Government Bill to Legally Classify Itself as Scarecrows, Figureheads, and Cleaning Rags”

 Officially Classified: A Satirical Bill to Rename the State

I. English Translation (International Edition)

Nadeem News Agency has learned that a draft law entitled “The Restructuring and Reclassification of Senior State Leadership Positions and Their Financial Grades”, submitted by the government at the request of the President of the Republic, has been referred to the House of Representatives for approval in the following form:

The Rank of “Scarecrow” shall be granted to the Prime Minister; the Grand Imam of Al-Azhar; the Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria; the Speakers of the House of Representatives and the Senate; the President’s advisers and assistants; and any others designated or appointed by the President.

The Rank of “Figurehead (Tartour)” shall be granted to ministers; governors; the Governor of Memphis County; the Governor of the Central Bank; the Head of the Central Auditing Organization; the Public Prosecutor; the Presidents of the Supreme Constitutional Court, the Court of Cassation, and the Council of State; and their equivalents.

The Rank of “Decorative Tassel” shall be granted to members of both parliamentary chambers; ambassadors; consuls; judges; board chairpersons; bank executives; deputy ministers; assistant ministers; army and police generals; university presidents; and heads of cities and districts, and their equivalents.

The Rank of “Punching Bag” shall be granted to civil servants up to the second grade, and to army and police officers up to the rank of major, and others in comparable positions.

The Rank of “Cleaning Rag” shall be granted to ministry workers; factory and municipal employees; company laborers; non-commissioned officers; soldiers; informants; school janitors; warehouse keepers; guards of public facilities; public-sector drivers; and others in similar categories.

The Agency further reports that the bill will be debated and immediately approved during the next parliamentary session on Saturday, published in the Official Gazette on Sunday morning, enter into force on Tuesday, following the issuance of its explanatory memorandum on Monday.

II. Deep Analysis for the International Reader

1. What Makes This Text Powerful?

To an international reader unfamiliar with Egyptian colloquial culture, the satire may initially appear surreal or absurdist. In reality, it operates as a layered political allegory that dismantles the architecture of state hierarchy through linguistic inversion.

Instead of stripping officials of power, the text strips them of symbolic prestige.

The law does not remove offices. It renames them.

And in doing so, it exposes what the author suggests is the gap between title and function.

2. The Symbolism of Each Rank

“Scarecrow”

In rural culture, a scarecrow stands in a field to frighten birds. It appears human but possesses no agency. It neither moves nor decides.

By assigning this rank to the Prime Minister and religious and parliamentary leaders, the satire implies symbolic presence without executive autonomy.

The scarecrow exists to be seen, not to act.

“Tartour” (Figurehead)

In Egyptian colloquial speech, tartour refers to a person who formally occupies a position but lacks real authority. The term historically refers to a tall ceremonial hat but evolved into slang meaning a puppet or façade.

Applying this label to ministers, governors, central bank officials, and senior judges reframes the executive and judicial branches as ornamental or subordinate structures.

Notably, the absurd inclusion of “the Governor of Memphis County” internationalizes the joke, hinting that such figureheadism is not geographically confined.

“Decorative Tassel”

A tassel adorns a curtain or garment. It enhances appearance but serves no structural function.

Labeling parliamentarians, diplomats, generals, and university presidents as tassels suggests a critique of institutional excess—structures that exist for visual legitimacy rather than operational necessity.

“Punching Bag”

The metaphor shifts from decorative to violent.

A punching bag absorbs blows. It exists to receive impact.

Mid-level officials and officers are portrayed as the system’s shock absorbers—those who bear public anger and administrative pressure without possessing decision-making authority.

“Cleaning Rag” (Kuhna)

Here the satire reaches its harshest register.

In Egyptian colloquialism, kuhna refers to an old cloth used to mop floors, wipe ash, and absorb dirt. It is disposable, low-value, and destined for grime.

By assigning this rank to workers, soldiers, janitors, guards, and drivers, the text implies systemic human expendability.

The metaphor is deliberately tactile and sensory. One can imagine the rag in gray water.

The hierarchy thus descends: From symbolic emptiness To decorative redundancy To physical absorption To disposable utility.

3. Why the Legislative Format Matters

The brilliance of the text lies in its bureaucratic precision.

It specifies:

Referral to parliament

Immediate debate

Official Gazette publication

Explanatory memorandum

Exact implementation date

This procedural realism intensifies the satire.

The machinery of legality is intact. Only the vocabulary has changed.

The implication is subtle but sharp: Perhaps the real absurdity is not the renaming, but the system itself.

4. Structural Message

The text suggests that political hierarchy may operate as a theater:

The top symbolizes authority without agency.

The middle symbolizes legitimacy without power.

The lower tiers absorb consequence without voice.

It is less an attack on individuals than on structural opacity.

By replacing grand titles with colloquial labels, the author reclaims interpretive authority for ordinary language.

5. International Resonance

Though rooted in Egyptian cultural idiom, the satire travels well.

Every political system contains:

Ceremonial offices

Administrative middle layers

Frontline implementers

Disposable labor

The metaphors may differ across languages, but the critique of symbolic governance versus functional power is globally recognizable.

6. The Core Thesis

The piece ultimately asks:

What if a state were forced to describe itself using the language of the street rather than the language of protocol?

It is not merely parody. It is semantic demotion as political commentary.

The text suggests that titles are not reality. Language can preserve illusion—or dismantle it.

7. Final Assessment

For international readers, this text should be understood not as crude mockery but as structured political satire employing folk semiotics.

Its power lies in:

Linguistic inversion

Bureaucratic realism

Social hierarchy mapping

Symbolic violence through naming

It is a fictional law, but a serious critique.

And by promising its immediate enactment, the satire delivers its sharpest blow:

The system is already functioning as described. The law merely acknowledges it.

If you would like, I can next provide:

A comparative analysis with global political satire traditions

An academic-style journal article version suitable for publication

Or a condensed op-ed version for international media outlets